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Saturday, June 1, 2013

Day 30~ 30 days of blog lovin' I made it to the finish line!!

Hello beautiful friends!

Some seriously crazy conversations going on in my head today!

If you had of told me I had perfectionistic tendencies ten years ago I would have said you were nuts!
I would have protested that I was the easy going one married to a perfectionist and that it was super hard to live with blah, blah, blah.....

I was looking into a mirror and refusing to see the same thing in myself.

This need to have it just right

to say it just so

and to have you approve

that's the big one for me

I've been struggling with this for the past couple of months
doubting my own writing voice
running a continuous inner dialogue of comparison
 and finding myself lacking

all of the things I talk to my students about
all of the things I want to help you get over

So earlier this week when I felt I had "finished" my narrative for chapters 1-3 of my book I sent of a little bit of my writing to a dear, trusted friend, and then swallowed nervously and obsessed for hours until I heard back.

This is what she wrote;

 I think that one possible reason you may feel this way and never felt this way when you started painting is because your painting, as "amateur" as it may have seemed to you in the past, came in its entirety out of you. In this piece of writing you rely heavily on external sources, other writers and thinkers, to help you make your point as if you lack the confidence and the trust that you have profound things to say on your own. At some point toward the end you say:"May be Ira Glass says it best....." No, Tracy Verdugo says it best, YOU are writing a book! The problem is your lack of self trust, not your writing. You have lots to say, and you are a good writer, I've seen it time and again, you just need to own your world.

Exhale.....................................
truth. beauty.love.trust.
thank you my friend ♥

back to the drawing board or the writing desk as it may be......

In the meantime I spent some time today going through a huge cardboard portfolio which contains a time capsule of sorts; hundreds of drawings from my first few years of exploring art. There were no internet art communities then, no accelerated learning as we are lucky enough to have now. Just me fumbling around trying to figure out how the heck to use materials and get what was in my head out onto paper. My intent was to cull and throw out a bunch. I haven't looked at them for a while and was half expecting to see a bunch of amateur rubbish that was easy to throw out.

Instead I felt a gentle empathy to the younger, inept exploring me
proud of her fumbling, of her chopping and changing between styles and content
like a proud older sister
I fingered through them carefully
charcoal and pastel on my hands and face
took some pics to share with you here
then carefully wrapped them back up

and put them away.....

Earlier this week I came across this quote and it struck such a chord in my heart
i hope it does you too dear friend ♥

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
― Ana├»s Nin —

I leave you with some images from my secret stash
beginner Tracy trying out ideas in pastels and portraits, inks and oils....
wherever you are on your creative path 

do the work

trust you have something unique and valuable to say

 and be gentle with your self

much love Tracy xoxox
ps I might take a few days off from my blog now

Happy weekend!!






















12 comments:

Malini Parker said...

I love that you see yourself as a proud older sister to your younger self. I have such amazing older sisters who are so kind to me, much kinder than I am to myself. A wonderful lesson there for all of us to soften our often harsh views of our lives! Thank you Tracy for giving us a glimpse into your colourful life :)

Catrinka Rush said...

Love this post/blog.
I will have to share the Anais Nin quote. It is the second time I have seen it in the last couple of days and it has grown on me. Keep up to good writing, but yes, do take a break. You Have Great stuff to say!!! Trust!!!

Julie M said...

I loved looking at your earlier work. Different to now,yes,but you too are different. You have grown and your art has grown with you. What a wonderful journey! I hope mine will be as fulfilling. xx

Creatively yours Fi said...

"Do the work. ..trust you have something unique and valuable to say. Be gentle with yourself. "Gorgeous words Tracy.....I so want to breathe them in & not let them go. Lately ive been exhibiting my art in a well established Art society..my work looks absolutely nothing like the masterpieces from the amazingly talented older artists. Its a peculiar thing..when I finish a work I feel very happy with it but when it's up in the gallery I begin to panic and think "what the hell am I thinking? "But im mostly glad and I have you among others to thank for it...im staying true to my unique voice. (& Im up for an award tomorrow!!...can hardly believe it!....) Thanks for sharing Tracy.I loved hearing from you every day x

Kim Mailhot said...

What a glorious finale! Tracy, your realizations are so profound and genuine. And yes, your friend gave you a wonderful gift with her honest and living words.
Keep on shining that magnificent growing, changing, brilliant light. The world needs it so!

Donna Walsh said...

Love the whole 30 days Tracy ..thanks for providing a little bit of you each day

Judy Wise said...

What a generous, truthful post. We are always teaching ourselves as well as our students; thank you for reminding us that all of our voices are perfectly imperfect. That we are always enough.

Kama said...

I've loved reading your posts Tracy and look forward very much to your book coming out. So many quotes in this post I love but I guess its all in the end about learning to accept and love who we are, how amazing we all are as people as we change and mature in life. For all sorts of reasons, I've struggled with me, acceptance of me, and people all my life, but I find in the Art community the most amazing, generous of spirit and word, people I've ever met / talked to. As I've learned, very cautiously, to accept the art I make, and the person I am, this amazing community has helped more than it will ever know. Loved seeing some of your earlier work too- so good - and I have a favourite amongst it too....

oneartistjournal.com said...

Stunning work...And now no matter what you do I see Tracy first! Gosh we so need each other to make us less lonely, less lost.
Thank you...smooches to you my friend, Orly

verdigrisrose said...

Hi Tracy,
Thank you for sharing these words and your earlier art work, it's wonderful, and has so much love and heart in it, so I am sure that spoke to you, when you were contemplating tossing it out., I'm so glad you didn't!. If my earlier work was as good I would be truly proud...I also am writing a book, and loved what your friend wrote or said to you, as I have been so busy researching everyone about the subject I am writing, when my first ambitious thoughts were to write from my own heart. A timely reminder to believe in self, and what each of us has to say. It's all worthy of a voice...x...Julia

Anonymous said...

You did it. 30 very interesting and lovely blog posts. Congratulations and thanks for taking us on the journey along with you. I was excited about spending the weekend with you painting at Avalon in August. Now I'm bursting and can not wait!! Ange

Carole said...

Hi Tracy, Over the years I too have found myself feeling similar thoughts as you describe in this post. Your friend said it best, "In this piece of writing you rely heavily on external sources, other writers and thinkers, to help you make your point as if you lack the confidence and the trust that you have profound things to say on your own."

Absolutely and perfectly true, instead of looking through our eyes, sometimes we try to see through the eyes of others. She is a wise friend Tracy and I'm so glad she shared her wisdom with you.

Enjoy the journey and be true to yourself.