Hello beautiful friends!
Some seriously crazy conversations going on in my head today!
If you had of told me I had perfectionistic tendencies ten years ago I would have said you were nuts!
I would have protested that I was the easy going one married to a perfectionist and that it was super hard to live with blah, blah, blah.....
I was looking into a mirror and refusing to see the same thing in myself.
This need to have it just right
to say it just so
and to have you approve
that's the big one for me
I've been struggling with this for the past couple of months
doubting my own writing voice
running a continuous inner dialogue of comparison
and finding myself lacking
all of the things I talk to my students about
all of the things I want to help you get over
So earlier this week when I felt I had "finished" my narrative for chapters 1-3 of my book I sent of a little bit of my writing to a dear, trusted friend, and then swallowed nervously and obsessed for hours until I heard back.
This is what she wrote;
I think that one possible reason you may feel this way and never felt this way when you started painting is because your painting, as "amateur" as it may have seemed to you in the past, came in its entirety out of you. In this piece of writing you rely heavily on external sources, other writers and thinkers, to help you make your point as if you lack the confidence and the trust that you have profound things to say on your own. At some point toward the end you say:"May be Ira Glass says it best....." No, Tracy Verdugo says it best, YOU are writing a book! The problem is your lack of self trust, not your writing. You have lots to say, and you are a good writer, I've seen it time and again, you just need to own your world.
thank you my friend ♥
back to the drawing board or the writing desk as it may be......
In the meantime I spent some time today going through a huge cardboard portfolio which contains a time capsule of sorts; hundreds of drawings from my first few years of exploring art. There were no internet art communities then, no accelerated learning as we are lucky enough to have now. Just me fumbling around trying to figure out how the heck to use materials and get what was in my head out onto paper. My intent was to cull and throw out a bunch. I haven't looked at them for a while and was half expecting to see a bunch of amateur rubbish that was easy to throw out.
Instead I felt a gentle empathy to the younger, inept exploring me
proud of her fumbling, of her chopping and changing between styles and content
like a proud older sister
I fingered through them carefully
charcoal and pastel on my hands and face
took some pics to share with you here
then carefully wrapped them back up
and put them away.....
Earlier this week I came across this quote and it struck such a chord in my heart
i hope it does you too dear friend ♥
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
― Anaïs Nin —
― Anaïs Nin —
I leave you with some images from my secret stash
beginner Tracy trying out ideas in pastels and portraits, inks and oils....
wherever you are on your creative path
do the work
trust you have something unique and valuable to say
and be gentle with your self
much love Tracy xoxox
ps I might take a few days off from my blog now