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Monday, June 27, 2011

mothers and daughters....


Good morning beautiful friends..just a quick note to share today as I have lots on my to do list...thinking very hard about being 17..not me obviously but my beautiful first born who is stressing out big time about assessments, money and life in general...being a parent is so hard sometimes...trying to know the right thing to say, trying to be a role model, trying to be strong enough to put guidelines in place when necessary...this morning I had to tell her that she's just not managing her time well and her reactions and overreactions to everything are stressing the whole family out....on the one hand I just want to hold her while she cries and tell her everything will be ok and that she's beautiful and perfect and the world is just waiting for her to shine...on the other hand I have to be stern and tell her that she'll have to cut back on coffees with friends, parties, going to the gym because she's just not managing to fit it all in and with only three months left of high school she needs to prioritise her activities....this sounds very calm and rational when I type it but imagine it to the backdrop of tears and yelling and "I'm just not good enough and I'll never be organised, thats just me, I cant change etc etc" Any advice? Anything? I'm struggling here....
On a happier note I started working on some paintings using the cropped images from my last post....here's the first titled " Some Enchanted Evening" 20 x20cm on plywood


and here's another on a little 10x20cm piece of ply that was being used as a palette until I decided I had to put the luscious texture to good use...."The elevated state of bliss"


Enjoy your Tuesday...I'm off to tackle that list! :)

18 comments:

ellen said...

My advice...talk to Sallieanne. She is an amazing mom to 17 yr old, Rose and has phenomenal advice...

Tracy Verdugo said...

Thanks Ellen....will do x

lynette evans said...

keep painting, let her make her own mistakes,know there's a light at the end of the tunnel....and in two years she will have magically transformed! tough age!

Jane said...

My heart is with you. I am feeling 'maternally challenged' myself at the moment. My best friend reminds me that i'm doing a great job (i'm always questioning if I have done enough for them, said enough, etc)and it is their life to navigate. We just have to be there. You might like to pop over to my blog and find the video i uploaded from Katherine Center. I just re-watched it about 10 minutes ago. It always makes me cry, at the same time as it gives me strength. best wishes, love your blog, will follow for a while if that's ok. Jane x

Tracy Verdugo said...

Thanks for the advice Lynette and Jane...for some reason I'm thinking of this Dickens quote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness" and I do know this will pass and I seriously dont have it that bad and know others are going through much, much worse with their kids...thanks for following Jane..its lovely to have the company of like minded spirits on any part of this amazing journey...will pop over to watch the video now xo

Linda said...

My children are all grown up now, I have 2 daughters 26 and 32 and a son 34, time has flown! They all turned out ok :)I can remember THOSE times though :)
I remember one time, my daughter had a friend that was the youngest of three sisters, the parents had no control of the girls, when they tried to enforce something the girls ended up fighting with them literally, my daughter told me that ***** actually hit her mother and they had a slapping match! I said to Kirsten that she should think about that, and how wrong it was for a child to slap their parents, or any one to hit anyone... she told a few weeks later how she had seen a fight with one of the sisters and the mother, and was sad that they could not talk about things, it always ended with emotional anger. I think the parents had not set bounderies, been consistant,enforced consequences when the girls were younger, oh what a struggle!
It's hard as a parent, you have to let them fly, test their wings so to speak, best thing to do is fly with them, be their friend, quietly trying to guide them in the right direction! But then, sometimes you have to stand your ground for their own good and protection, you are a parent after all.
I think as parents we could talk all day long about kids, what we did, what we should have done, your children certainly have a good stable home, loving parents, I'm sure they will be fine, a bit of advice from a nanna...just listen to them lots, always know who their friends are, know what they are doing and who they are doing it with.
Hugs

Ro Bruhn said...

It will get better believe me, just hang in there and maybe suggest that she doesn't have to stop going out but just be selective as to how many times she does, maybe a set day of the week for each activity.

Jann Parkes said...

Hi Tracy....Been there done that made a mess of it ....BUT...now i have a clue which would have worked a treat....here's what i try to do with anyone who needs help:

Acknowledge the pain/problem (cause it's real to her) eg...'Yes I can see/feel.hear/ what you are saying and I can tell its got you really worried....

(active listening really works)

Then 'Ok...in a perfect world how would you like things to work out for you...(listen)....

Then 'Ok then...well how can I help you to get it right? What can I do to help you find a solution to this?

Give the problem/solution back to her by giving her you love and support but only in helping her to work it out.

Tracy...this works...you're her sounding board her strength and always a 'a safe place to fall', knowing that you take her problems seriously, giving the credibility that she needs, assisting her to find solutions not solving the problem for her works when all of this is wrapped with unconditional love.

I know this because this is how my clever hubby helps me when I get a far too stressed out :)

You're a wonderful, wonderful mother Tracey...stand strong in that love and always have a cuddle ready for her...

love Jann x

Patti said...

Tracy, remember "This too shall pass". I have been where you are and we all came out the better for it. This is part of independence. She pulling away as she is supposed to and learning to trust herself as hard as it is. I'll send you good luck across the sea. patti

Tracy Verdugo said...

Thanks all...now you've made me all emotional....really thanks so much for sharing your wisdom...I know I'm doing a great job its just a damn hard one...so lucky to have friends like you to support me...Linda I value your "advice from a nanna",Ro will work on a timetable with her, Jann I'm printing this out so I can remember what words to use and Patti thanks for affirming that is all perfect just the way it is...much love ♥♥♥

Kelly Berkey said...

oh tracy, i'm glad i had a boy and that he is all grown now. my sister is going through exactly what you are right now. i have no idea how to deal with anyone's hormones and over-reacting, that's what my darling hubby has to deal with now that i'm peri-meno lady these days, hee hee.

i want my coffees and expensive paints and everything else exactly when i want them! good luck with that;-) your art is lovely and you seem to handle it all very smashingly!

xo

quinncreative said...

Jann has a great idea. Physically speaking, she still CAN change, because her decision-making forebrain is not finished growing yet. Psychologically, you push each other's buttons because that's what people who love each other do--alienate the people we love and need the most. Emotionally, well, you can't be cool because you are the mom, but you also are the voice of reason because you are the mom. Acknowledgement, appreciative inquiry, and helping guide her to solve her own problems--like Jann gave examples of--will work best for both of you. Hugs all the way around, with full acknowledgement that this time in a child's life can be just awful.

Anita Van Hal said...

I wish Jann had been MY mother! Seriously! I have an empty nest, three sons and one daughter...the boys combined didn't equal all the drama with my daughter...but Jann has great advice...and it's a tough age...almost an adult...not a little girl...don't want boundaries or limitations but much of the time not wise enough to see potential outcomes...sometimes you have to let your child fall or they don't learn to make good decisions...it's hard, but it's part of being a parent...I wish you and your daughter the very best!

Margarida Alberty said...

First of all, dear Tracy, don't let your daughter disrespect you in any case. Make your point and tell her that. You cannot avoid that she makes mistakes. Let her make mistakes and bump her had against the wall but show her that her choices will mold her life. I had the toughest times ever with my daughter and some time later she recognized how much she had done wrong and how much she had hurt me. Write her love letters and how you regret that she acts the wrong way. One day eventually she'll come up and say: Mom, I'm sorry. But you have to make her feel you are sad and in pain too and that you do not deserve this. Keep distant and cold for some time. I know it's hard but she'll come back because she'll miss you. RESPECT first of all ...Keep painting and think about yourself too... big hug Margarida

cri-cri said...

I love so much your works ... and your daughter ? let her search her own way, make her mistakes , one day she 'll see that she can be everything that she realy wnats , even changing one attitude...ans as mom stay there to cath her up when she fall, everytime again...I know that isn't easy ...nice day !

Diane said...

This is a tough age--I had 2 daughters--day and night--completely opposite of each other--so it was even harder dealing with their emotional pain. Just be there for her and LISTEN--that's my advice. My daughters are wonderful now and my best friends--and still night and day!
P.S. I adore your art!!!

Sunny Carvalho said...

I loved what Jann and Linda said. I have 3 daughters (23, 17 and 15) plus an older son. I will tell you that the hormones fly at times!! I think your daughter may be feeling overwhelmed with the thoughts of being "grown up" soon plus, at that age...they just simply want what they want! It will pass (although it may seem like forever!). One thing I have done with all mine is allowance. Until they were working, each of mine got the amount of their age each week. (For instance, my 17 year old gets $17 each week). They can spend it on whatever they want, but when it's gone, it's gone and there's no more until the next Friday. Of course, we have to give them a little more occasionally for movies, etc. but overall, they do great managing their money.

I do wholeheartedly agree with Jann about the mirroring...sometimes it makes things calmer for them to know they are being heard. Also, just staying calm yourself helps. I try really hard to keep my voice level even when they are getting louder.

Again...this WILL pass! Love her through it.

P.S. Your art is amazing

Megan P said...

We can only do the best we can at any given point in time. It is all new for both child and [parents as we navigate them through the tough times, it is a learning curve for both parent and child.
As a parent including an 18 year old daughter who finished her hsc last year, and a high school teacher I hear you. The advice I offer is - unconditional love and communication. Be there, it is a very pressured year for them with massive demands with practical subjects at this part of the year. Remind her this year does not define her for the rest of her life, and at least come exam time she will already have ticked off half of a couple of subjects, and as someone else so eloquently put it "this too shall pass", love and light. mx