“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”― Anaïs Nin
Change can be subtle, imperceptible. We set our intentions for how we would like things to be and sometimes without knowing it we even set intentions for how we would like things not to be. I've been getting very clear around the kinds of intentions I shoot out to the Universe these past few years and for the most part, I feel in alignment with my highest self.
Sometimes it feels like I'm plodding along, making small moves, some deliberate, some tentative or unsure. Like the day I took myself on an artists date and lined up these rocks all the way to the waters edge, just because I could. Weeks later I returned to find almost all of them moved, swept away by the force of the tides. But the imprint remained you see, the vision, the knowledge, new neural pathways formed.
Last year I made a commitment to myself to slow down, breathe more deeply...
Take more walks in nature...
and allow myself to pause. This amazing cloud photo was taken on the night I met up with my friend Elizabeth Gilbert in Dallas last year, just a couple of weeks before my breast cancer diagnosis would be confirmed. Backstage she hugged me tight and asked me to reach into a little black velvet bag to pull out a card. PAUSE was my card and I knew it was good and right.
and so I've spent this Summer painting and swimming
loving on family....
and generally taking it easy.
Soooooooo grateful for this time and space!!
I've also been nesting, rearranging, adding more plants to our family
and creating more little vignettes of beauty.
I started to feel it was time to emerge from the cocoon, begin some forward planning, think about how next year might look as we travel overseas again.
Locking in my 2018 dates with my hosts in the U.S, Spain, Norway, Sweden, Luxembourg and Mexico I felt that old buzz of "doingness". The thrill of busyness!
Suddenly I was scheduling new ecourses, pondering collaborations and jumping back into my blog with a thirty day commitment to post my thoughts of gratitude!
And then, I paused again, took note of my emotions, of the reasons I was jumping back into hyper mode, reflected on the things I have learned and the new awareness I have around caring for myself first before trying to make the world right for everyone else.
It's been more than a week since I posted here.
These gratitude posts began to feel like something I "had" to do, rather than "wanted" to do and there is nothing right about that!
The minute I switched into overwhelm, snapping at mi amor while sitting at the computer, because it was 7pm and I still had to cook dinner and was trying to come up with some kind of profound words,
I knew that I should stop.
And guess what?
The world didn't end because I didn't follow through on a commitment I made and I'm pretty sure none of you are judging me, or angry.
In fact, you probably didn't even notice right?
I'm hoping, actually, that some of you might even read this and give yourself permission to pause, to slow down, and reflect on how much you need to do, or pursue, and to know that its ok to be as kind and gentle to yourself as you are to others.
I'm grateful for growth and self awareness, for reflection and self acceptance
and I'm grateful for YOU!
See you when I see you!
Lots of love Tracy xoxo